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Shibari is an activity that relies on trust and mutual consent. Both the person tying (top) and the person being tied (bottom) need to clearly define their boundaries and expectations, maintain continuous communication throughout the activity, and take safety measures. This ensures that both parties feel comfortable and secure. Here’s what needs to be done for a safe experience in Shibari:
For the Top (Tying)
Open Communication and Negotiation: Before starting Shibari, have a detailed discussion with the bottom. Learn about their boundaries, expectations, and medical conditions. Clarify which tying techniques will be used and for how long.
Obtaining and Maintaining Consent: Get the bottom’s consent at every step. Stay in constant communication throughout the tying process and check if the bottom is comfortable.
Safety Training: Receive training in Shibari techniques. Understand the anatomy to avoid negatively affecting nerves and blood flow.
Emergency Measures: Have cutting equipment (scissors or a knife) on hand for any emergency. Ensure this equipment is always easily accessible.
Boundaries and Safe Words: Establish safe words with the bottom. These words indicate that the bottom is uncomfortable or needs the tying to stop. Always respect the safe words.
Empathy and Sensitivity: Observe the bottom’s emotional and physical reactions. If you notice any signs of discomfort, stop immediately and assess the situation.
For the Bottom (Being Tied)
Open Communication and Negotiation: Clearly communicate your boundaries, fears, and expectations with the top. Specify which techniques are suitable for you and which situations may cause discomfort.
Safe Words: Agree on safe words with the top. These words should clearly indicate when you are uncomfortable or want to stop. Ensure you understand what the safe words mean and how to use them.
Physical Preparation and Condition: Assess your physical condition before Shibari. If you have any health issues or discomfort, share this with the top. Listen to your body and express any discomfort immediately.
Education and Awareness: Educate yourself about Shibari. Knowing the basic tying techniques and potential risks will make you feel safer.
Providing Feedback: Give feedback to the top during and after the tying session. Clearly state which techniques you enjoyed and which parts were uncomfortable.
Emotional Preparation: Remember that Shibari can be both a physically and emotionally intense experience. Ensure you are emotionally ready for this experience and take time to recover afterwards.
When done correctly, Shibari can provide a satisfying and safe experience for both the top and the bottom. Therefore, both parties must pay close attention to consent, communication, and safety.
Shibari Negotiation Checklist
To structure your Shibari negotiations and enhance safety, you can use a checklist like the one below:
General Information
- Date and Time: Determine when and where the tying session will take place.
- Participants: Clarify who will be involved.
Communication and Consent
- Boundaries:
- Physical boundaries (where not to touch, which tying techniques to avoid).
- Emotional boundaries (which topics not to discuss, which situations may cause discomfort).
- Safe Words:
- Stop word: Used when the tying needs to be completely stopped.
- Slow down word: Used when the pace needs to be slowed or progress more carefully.
- Consent Check:
- Determine how consent will be checked at each step (e.g., asking “Are you okay?” at regular intervals).
Health and Safety
- Medical Conditions and Discomforts:
- Both parties’ current health conditions and past discomforts.
- Fullness/Hunger Status.
- Emergency Equipment:
- Is cutting equipment (scissors, knife) ready and accessible?
- Is a first aid kit or emergency contact information prepared?
- Safety Measures:
- Ensuring the safety of the tying area (sharp edges, fire hazards, etc.).
- Measures to take if the tied person remains immobile for a long period.
Technique and Execution
- Tying Techniques:
- Determining the tying techniques and positions to be used.
- Duration:
- Total duration of the tying process.
- Allowing rest breaks between ties.
- Periodic Checks:
- Regularly checking the tying (blood circulation, signs of nerve damage).
Emotional Preparation and Aftercare
- Emotional Support:
- How emotional support will be provided during and after the session.
- Feedback:
- Will there be a feedback session after the tying?
- Discussing what went well and what could be improved.
- Precare / Aftercare:
- Physical care (water, snacks, relaxation).
- Emotional care (hugging, talking, silence).
Other Topics
- Photos and Videos:
- Will photos or videos be taken? If so, within what boundaries?
- Privacy and Confidentiality:
- How will the experience be kept private and confidential?
By using this checklist, you can make your Shibari negotiations more structured and safe. Ensuring both parties’ consent and comfort is crucial for a safe and enjoyable experience.
Scenario: Ali and Ayşe’s Shibari Negotiation
To illustrate how consent should be given and obtained in Shibari, let’s go through a scenario. In this scenario, “Ali” will be the top (tying), and “Ayşe” will be the bottom (being tied). We will detail how they communicate and ensure consent at each stage of the process.
Preliminary Meeting
1. Setting Up the Appointment:
Ali and Ayşe agree to have a Shibari session a week later. Ayşe is interested in Shibari and has heard that Ali is experienced. They both want the session to be safe and enjoyable.
2. Beginning the Negotiation:
Ali and Ayşe decide to meet at a café to discuss the session beforehand.
- Ali: “Hi Ayşe, I’d like to negotiate for our Shibari session. Firstly, do you have any health issues or specific concerns I should be aware of?”
- Ayşe: “Hi Ali, yes. I have a slight injury on my left wrist, so I’d prefer not to strain my wrists too much. Also, I don’t want my neck to be touched.”
3. Establishing Boundaries:
- Ali: “Got it. Besides your wrists and neck, do you have any other boundaries?”
- Ayşe: “No, those are the main ones. However, staying in the same position for too long might be uncomfortable.”
- Ali: “Alright, I’ll keep that in mind. Also, using safe words is important. Shall we use ‘red’ for a complete stop and ‘yellow’ for slowing down or changing the pace?”
- Ayşe: “Yes, that works.”
4. Safety and Emergencies:
- Ali: “Great. I’ll ensure you’re comfortable and we’ll stay in constant communication during the session. I’ll also have cutting equipment ready. If you feel any discomfort, we’ll stop immediately.”
Pre-Session Preparation
5. Preparing the Session Area:
Ali prepares the area for the session. He sets up a soft surface, a relaxing environment, and keeps a pair of scissors nearby. Ayşe arrives, and Ali suggests reviewing all the details they discussed once more.
6. Final Confirmation:
- Ali: “Ayşe, before we start, let’s go over everything one last time. I’ll be careful with your wrists and neck, and our safe words are ‘red’ and ‘yellow’. Are you ready?”
- Ayşe: “Yes, I’m ready. I feel comfortable and safe.”
During the Session
7. Continuous Communication:
Ali begins tying Ayşe and continuously checks her comfort level.
- Ali: “How are you feeling, Ayşe? Is everything okay?”
- Ayşe: “I’m fine for now, but my left wrist feels a bit tight. Can you loosen it a little?”
- Ali: “Of course, I’ll adjust it right away.”
8. Safe Words and Periodic Checks:
Throughout the session, Ayşe uses “yellow” a few times to slow the pace or change position. Ali listens carefully and adheres to Ayşe’s requests each time.
Post-Session
9. Aftercare:
After untying Ayşe, Ali offers her water and time to relax.
- Ali: “How are you feeling? Is there any discomfort?”
- Ayşe: “I’m a bit tired but generally fine. My wrists are a bit sensitive, but nothing major.”
10. Feedback:
After the session, Ali and Ayşe sit down to discuss the experience.
- Ayşe: “Overall, I enjoyed it a lot. My left wrist needs a bit more attention, I noticed.”
- Ali: “Thank you for your feedback, Ayşe. I’ll pay more attention to that in our next session.”
In this scenario, Ali and Ayşe conducted the Shibari session safely and consensually. They maintained continuous communication and clearly expressed their boundaries and needs. This ensured that both parties had a pleasant and secure experience.
Such negotiation and communication are crucial for ensuring consent in Shibari. Clear communication of boundaries and needs by both parties forms the foundation of a safe experience.
